Cracks

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Me

When I began writing on WP years ago, I was an open book.  The words may have been blurred and some pages stuck together, but mostly I poured out my soul recklessly and with fevered anticipation.  Now, I analyze every letter and nuance I ink. My delete button has become faded and soft with overuse.  The voices in my head are angry and disappointed in me.  I have stolen their stories from them and locked them away from others and myself.   

At work I am confident and daring. But alone with my passion and thoughts, I cringe with self-doubt.  Not only about writing, but about being a mother, a friend, a lover.  I fear exposing myself to others. I fear not reaching out. I fear my words will betray me.  I fear this is not where I belong. I fear this is where I need to be. 

©03/2019

15 Comments

  1. That’s an awful lot of fear to have penned up inside of you, but I can understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes, I feel as if I don’t even recognize who I once was, when I was ready to take the world by storm. And, the voices…yeah…I hear them too. All that is said to tell you, you’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh! It is so hard to be open, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, open to scouting, to fill ourselves with self doubt and criticism. The problem is that being a closed book is far more isolating, it’s so much harder to be close to someone who hides themselves,. And yes, I am talking from personal experience. I am definitely a “keep things close to my chest” kind of person. But I wish I wasn’t. I really appreciated this post. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can only speak for myself, but self-doubt and various other insecurities are why I began putting pen to paper over 40 years ago. It was only in my writing that I could truly express myself. At the end of the day so many things are just a facade…but my pen can only give the truth. To echo others, I agree… you are beautiful and it does lend to a better connection with your words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this. When I began blogging, I only wrote erotic short stories and was not afraid of the connections I made with others here. As my writing changed, and I allowed my truths freedom, my self-doubts increased, not lessened. But … I can feel that changing within me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope they continue to. As we have ~ discussed ~ before, many of us in our genre have demons of one nature or another. The opportunity for understanding and connections could be beneficial in many ways.

        Liked by 1 person

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